Emotional Maturity

Understanding Emotional Maturity

In counseling sessions I have heard the same question numerous times, "Doc, I don't understand. I don't even like my (boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse) and I cannot imagine what happened to the great person I married." Well, what happened was a misjudgment in paying entirely too much attention to charisma, wittiness, a symmetrical face and other non essentials and ignoring gross emotionality. One particularly unhappy husband sat on my office sofa looking gloomy and confused. He assured me that he had chosen a fabulous woman. Unfortunately, he never noticed that the "fabulous" woman was a fiction he created, simply because she was gorgeous. He complained, with just cause, that she was uncaring and self-absorbed. I asked him in what ways she had demonstrated a caring nature when they were dating. His eyes got big, his face paled and if he had been a cartoon character a little text bubble would have appeared above his head - Oh, my god.

Extended, mutually satisfying relationships are the product of two emotionally mature individuals. Therefore, if you are choosing a mate, pay particularly close attention to angry outbursts, passive-aggressive behaviors, distancing, moodiness and other unhealthy behaviors. Everyone has a bad day; however, patterns of uncontrolled emotional overflow are danger signs. Also, if you do not have the depth in your relationships that you deserve, try to gain insight into your emotional maturity level.

Dr. Martha Starks (Modes of Therapeutic Action) defines maturity as "being able to accept the reality of people and things as they are, without needing them to be other than that." Humans tend to upset themselves if life is not the way they think it should be. What is - is… make your plan and move on to productive behaviors.

Our brains will believe anything we tell them. If you tell your brain that you are in danger (physically, emotionally or psychologically) it reacts as if you are sliding face first down a mountain. If you replace negative irrational, self-limiting thoughts, your emotional control will improve dramatically. What does that mean? It means that your relationships improve, you feel in control and self-confident, you like yourself, and you are more likely to reach your life goals.

Take our free Emotional Maturity test and Get to know yourself better.

The Emotional Maturity blog entry contains valuable information, too.

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