Ageism 3

Ageism and Cousin Elizabeth - Do You Want to Be Here?

Part 3 of Ageism. See Part 1 or Part 2.

The primary question I wanted to ask and felt heavy in the atmosphere was - "Do you want to be here?" I knew in many cases, if not all, this might raise an emotional issue. First do no harm -- I did not ask. I observed the interactions and general atmosphere. Residents appeared to have positive interactions with each other and the staff. I did not see cheerfulness, gaiety or an elevated mood, nor did I see deep sadness or depression. I felt resignation or perhaps helplessness.

One lady was going home with her daughter for a few days. The daughter confided to me that her mother continually asks when she can go home. Her mother cannot go home because there is no one to take care of her and she forgets things, such as to taking her medication and turning off the gas kitchen range.

Though she does not express a specific disgruntlement or angst with the accommodations or staff - she simply wishes to go home. Both the mother and daughter are trapped by a system that does not work for either. As an adult, for many years, the mother has made thousands of decisions about her life, the same ones you and I make each day and take for granted. She can make the decision to go home, but that choice will not take her home - even Scotty cannot help her. Autonomy is no longer within her grasp and she knows it. I feel disheartened.

I have a friend who is a psychologist. He and his wife are both caring responsible people. He is well-respected in the mental health community. His father, a brilliant man in his field, came to live with them and their sons five years ago after his wife's death. Soon the father needed around the clock assistance. Edward and his wife work long hours frequently arriving home late at night. After the first couple of years his father's considerable savings were practically exhausted after paying several thousand dollars each month for skilled sitters.

Though upscale extended care facilities are not inexpensive, the financial burden was less than hiring skilled sitters. The facility where he now resides is lovely, the grounds are a charming series of well-tended gardens, the meals are excellent and the staff is professional and attentive. Every time Edward visits, his father asks when he will be going home. The question and implied accusation disturb Edward greatly; he doesn’t visit as much as he once did. He feels guilty.

Summary

My guilt induced visit to Cousin Elizabeth (she is after all—blood) did not change any preconceived ideas of the elderly in extended care facilities. However, it did encourage me to think long and hard about the tremendous burden it must be for children of elderly parents to make "that" distressing decision. Also, if this system does not work we are called for economic and humanitarian reasons to search for something else. There is always an answer and we don't have it. I have talked to several people who have had to place their parents in extended care facilities and the stories are depressingly similar - fraught with guilt, desperation and hopelessness. I want to find an answer, and I shall work to find that answer, before I become Cousin Elizabeth.

References

- About Nursing Homes: Guide to long term care planning. National Care Planning Council. Retrieved on October 22, 2011 from Nursing Home
- United States Census Bureau. 2005 Statistical Abstract of the United States. Retrieved on October 22, 2011 from Statistical Abstract

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This is part two of a series on Ageism. See part 1 - Ageism and Cousin Elizabeth or part 2 - Ageism and Cousin Elizabeth - My Experience